Tom Kilroy | the former pub landlord who will tell you he spent 45 years behind bars!
Three. That’s the number of major heart attacks my father had survived by the time I joined secondary school. Somehow on each occasion, the medics pulled him back from the brink.
As the owner of a pub in the west of Ireland at that time in the late 70’s, we can safely put my dad’s prognosis down to “lifestyle” where drinking - to celebrate, to commiserate, to congregate or just to cogitate – was the national pastime around which everything else would orbit. This was the Ireland I grew up in and it had a reputation to live up to.
Back then, the simple truth was that people – and men in particular – were not aware or cognizant of the health risks from smoking, drinking or lack of exercise. And concepts like mental health, burnout or emotional wellbeing were taboo and not to be discussed or acknowledged for fear of judgement, exclusion, or reprisal.
Work hard play hard
Thankfully, these attitudes to men’s health have changed dramatically in the decades since, even if there is still work to do to raise awareness. This is thanks to a combination of research and information, nationwide health campaigns, the media and popular culture. And maybe empowerment too with the advent of the internet which democratised knowledge and understanding.
Being my father’s son, I grew up in that tradition of boozing where for years I happily – and comprehensively - burned the candle at both ends. As a young chef, it was an everyday occurrence to work a 16-hour shift and then drink and party until the nightclub turned up the house lights and you headed home to start again in a few hours. Later, as a restaurateur, I believed my business needed me to encourage guests to drink more than they should or planned to… seeing a glass go empty was always an opportunity for another sale.
It was fun. Until it wasn't.
I knew this lifestyle was detrimental to my health in the long run, but it was fun. Until it wasn’t. Hangovers took longer to recover from. Constant self-doubt crept in. My temper frayed and snapped all too easily. I became the person I didn’t want to become. In truth, I was turning into my dad. Or at least the despondent melancholic version of Dad we had to live with above the pub, not the funny joke-telling pub landlord Dad that everyone loved to see at the bar downstairs. I never wanted to be that guy. And yet here I was being that guy.
Eventually, I took up a new role in an exciting new (and very corporate) sector in hospitality and I knew that this was an opportunity to really grow my career in management and leadership. But that meant I would need to bring my best self to work every day - my ‘A’ game, so to speak. Was I doing that? In my heart I knew I wasn’t. Everyday felt like driving a car with the proverbial handbrake on. And some days it felt like I was getting out to push it!
A guiding mantra
From then and now: what a transformation!
Thankfully I have one guiding mantra or philosophy in life for times like these: ‘if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.’
I knew something had to change, so I made the decision to stop drinking. Partly to prove I could. And partly because I knew the party was over. I knew this had to be a clean break, not just cutting back. As an ‘all-or-nothing’ kind of guy, I am mostly ‘all’.
On New Year’s Day 2011, I drank one final pint before announcing that I was giving up “for a few days”. The plan was to go a few days, and then a few more. Days became months and in the eleven years since, I have not had a drink and somehow become ‘teetotal’ in the true sense of the word. It remains one of the best decisions I ever made.
Very quickly, I saw results. I felt sharper in my thinking; my ‘hangover-induced’ anxiety disappeared (if you know, you know), and finally I got proper, restful sleep. With blood now running through my alcohol stream, my moments of red mist became more reflective. I could finally begin to like the person I had become. And while I still have moments of self-doubt, those thoughts are not amplified or blown out of proportion thanks to alcohol-triggered chemical imbalances in the brain.
As close relationships deepened and toxic ones disappeared, I saw my career soar at the time. And since. I found performing at my best so much easier without that handbrake on all the time. Finally, I could stop second guessing myself and feel more self-assured in my own skin.
Every journey starts with a single step
With my new-found energy, I took up running and have run 9000kms since. Along the way I lost three stone and cast off so many debilitating beliefs. Running gave me purpose, it gave me stamina. Most surprisingly, it gave me reflection time and of course, fitness. All for free.
Every journey starts with a single step. My tentative steps into sobriety led to physical fitness, mental wellbeing, resilience, and most importantly; fulfilment. Each a destination worth exploring.
As for the question of how long I intend to abstain, all I can say is; I chose sober because I wanted a better life.
I stay sober because I got one.
Four strategies to help you give up alcohol for good
Use the disarming tactic of ‘a few days’
Don’t set the unachievable goal of trying to change your whole life in a day as it can be too overwhelming… start small with mini achievable goals to help build confidence and most importantly, build habit.
I found that using the excuse of ‘a few days’ was a great way to disarm people who insisted on buying me a drink in the round. If someone does badger you incessantly to have a drink (and they will because they think it’s what you want), then ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want to have with that person.
A little introspection about those relationships will help you discover fulfilment.
You will have cravings. They will pass.
While your aim is to go ‘a few days’, in truth you need to take each day as it comes. And when you do have that craving for a drink you will have to get through each hour at a time. If you do have a craving… drink a big glass of water, or sip a herbal tea. (You'll be tempted to substitute zero alcohol products. My advice is to avoid even these to begin with until you have broken the habit completely. After a few months, you can reintroduce them as a social construct in company. By then you'll have forgotten what the original was like!)
You will feel weird at first. And that’ll pass too.
One of the biggest surprises was discovering my true personality as non-drinker when everyone around me was slowly (or sometimes quickly) getting inebriated. In those early days, I felt very conscious and dare I say, vulnerable, when telling a joke or regaling a story because booze conditions you to lean on the crutch of ‘Dutch courage’ you get after just one drink.
If it’s someone you just met, they won’t know any different. If you are with friends, they won’t care. And if you sense they are not into this new you, well, that’s their problem.
You can be selfish… for the right reasons.
There will be times when investing in your own wellbeing can seem very selfish. But it needs to be if you are going to make it work for you… taking a few hours to head out to play five-a-side, or a session at the gym, or a bike ride when you might be expected to stay home or do those DIY tasks you have put off… I mean, that sure sounds selfish, right?
The truth is, a heart attack, or health scare, that puts you in hospital is not going to get them done either.
Look after your health. Only then, you can look after everything else.
“If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got”
Photo by Thomas Kilroy ©2020